When the light goes out – not the light in the bathroom or the upstairs closet – no, the light in your eyes; that dim orb of humanity, the apex of my focus, my lighthouse. When that fades, will I be gone too? Will the memory of my touch, those living kisses we shared under the moonlight – will they go too? Never to be remembered. Never to be mentioned. Never?
Am I invisible without your existence? The closeness of living our shared life bears that question. We sat and ate, breathing in and out, side by side, bearing the highs and lows like waves billowing against the sandbanks till our efforts waned and the tide drew out. The carnage of our choices remain dented in the sand, only to be washed away by the next generation and the next, the endless cycle of invisibility.
Your eyes are closing now and I can feel my memories being sucked away, vacuumed into eternity where you will be without me. All the anger, the sulks and frustration fade in the drowning sun that once swam across your brown irises. As I say goodbye I know that a part of me has gone too. I’m halved. What remains is the nothingness that survived your demise. I’m afraid.
Tomorrow, the world will awaken refreshed and anew. I will still be here, missing you.
Whilst surfing the net, searching for interesting ways to kill people for the next book in my crime series, I stopped to wonder at what the new laws covering people’s search history would throw up for those writers who dabble in murder.
Today, I was investigating the merits of using a muscular relaxant to mix in with insulin for terminal effects.
NIMBEX (cisatracurium besylate) is a nondepolarizing skeletal muscle relaxant for intravenous administration.
Of course, my character would have to be a doctor to administer such medicines and the research required for said profession with access to the required meds was quite interesting. It drew my attention to the many cases of murder using insulin. As a person who has friends and family with diabetes, it was an interesting subject to investigate, whereas from my writer’s point of view, it gave me very poor traction as a murder weapon. Not many adults die from insulin overdoses given to them by murderers, mainly because the side effects show up pretty fast and can be actioned by the victim before it’s too late. The long term side effects of brain damage opened up options on killing the victims in a different setting, adding tension to the story. So, to restrain said victim in the first place after administering the insulin,a muscular sedative seemed like a good option and something different to throw into the mix.
Oh, the things we think of as writers. Makes my real life seem rather mundane in comparison!